Kicking and screaming and emotional trucks

This morning, I woke up Gideon for school. If I have to wake up Gideon, he’s TIRED. He resisted, of course, and borrowed under his seventy-some-odd blankets that he insists on sleeping with. I dragged him out by his big feet. He struggled against me, seeking the darkness. I pulled on those ankles, those long legs, and hauled the lanky squirmy grumpy body into my lap, wrapping him up in one of his fleecy blankets.

I held him. Leaned my cheek against his head and hugged. I hate getting out of a nice warm bed, too, buddy.

He relaxed. I felt the fight go out of him. Once he realized that I wasn’t there for anything except to hold him, he stopped resisting. He stopped thrashing and leaned into my arms, curling up in my embrace.

How quickly it will be until you are too big to fit in my lap.

I will blink, and I will no longer be strong enough to pull your growing body into my lap. Your legs will soon be too long.

I hugged him tight. Smelled his hair. Looked down at his face, kissed the cheeks. Marveled again at those eyelashes.

A moment of sweet mommy bliss. I can help, I can provide comfort and shelter and warmth and love and peace.

This boy has my heart.

How many times has God had to drag me, kicking and screaming and complaining, into His lap? For nothing else but to hold me, to show me love. To give me comfort and peace.

I heard recently that all of our experiences, both good and bad, easy and difficult are all designed by God, for me, so that I can know Him more.

It’s been a hard few weeks. I don’t know why, when it started creeping in. By God’s grace and enablement, I am feeling much better, but times like this sure make me realize how much I need God, that I always need my heavenly Father, to hold me in His arms. That my flesh seeks control (and the enemy subtly labels it deceptively positive terms like “structure,” “organization,” or “time management.”) I hadn’t realized how much I was trying to do on my own, on my terms, in my own power. The snare of being structured person who loves organization – if I could just time manage EVERYTHING, every last minute of our lives, we’ll make it. That’s the only way we’ll make it, checking more and more things off my to-do list that always seems to be getting longer, if I could just plan ahead and be READY.

That’s the enemy talking. Sneaking lies and quietly building strongholds. Watering the seeds of worry and growing up giant weeds of anxiety.

I need freedom, healing from this. I feel like God matures me, but then I start trying to pick my burdens back up from His feet. That’s okay, God. I got this.

I reach a breaking point, which kinda feels like being hit by an emotional truck and then everything feels sore and tender for awhile. But the soreness slows me, causes me to stop, to be still. To seek healing.

Know what Jesus said to the woman who had been sick for 12 years? The isolated, lonely, desperate woman, who probably had no one to relate to, to share life with? He said, “Take heart, daughter.

Actually, Mark 5:22 says that He turned toward her, he saw her, and then encouraged her. He turned to her. He saw all of her. And he called her daughter, accepted and loved unconditionally, encouraged her, and healed her.

Can you hear His tenderness? How gentle that must have been? How beautifully heartbreaking and refreshing to that desperate and ostracized woman. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Matthew 5:6

Jesus always turns toward us. He always sees all of us. All the yuck. All the fear. All the anxiety.

And He encourages us.

And He heals us.

Even when I’m kicking and screaming against His grace. Even when I’m one big emotional bruise.

He still wants to pull me into His lap, wrap His Daddy arms around me, and give me comfort. Rest. Peace.

Be still and know that I am God… Psalm 46:10

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16

For thus said the Lord God , the Holy One of “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength…. Isaiah 30:15

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