My latest bout of anxiety showed up on the oddest of days – the day of my baptism. At 37 years old, wife to a pastor, I was baptized.
I have followed Jesus for many years now, but recently God and I have had lots of talks about my baptism. Baptism is a step in a believer’s faith journey of obedience (see Acts 8:36-37). It’s following in Christ’s example (see Matthew 3:13-17). And it’s a witness to other believers that because of God’s astounding grace, I am His child and I want my life to tell of Him.
God called me to Him when I was very young. I was 5 years old when I told my parents I wanted “Jesus to come into my heart.” In my teens, I went to youth camp and questioned if I’d understood enough at 5 years old to make a true decision, and I made a commitment then to follow Christ. Thinking over the years, I still am not sure. I grew up in a very loving home with two involved Christian parents. We were in church often. Our closest family friends were fellow believers. Even that was one part of God’s grace in my life – a Christ-centered home.
Because my salvation was so gentle, so natural, it seems to me that God was always there. I do not have a startling story where my life did a so-called 180. But whether God called me to him at 5 years old or 14 years old, it doesn’t matter. I am His. After many conversations over the years and some very recent ones, I am very sure.
But my childhood baptism, which happened somewhere around the age of 8 or 9, is sort of a fuzzy memory. I remember the event, but I remember it being an adult-directed decision instead of a believer’s decision. If someone talked to me about what baptism was about, what it represented, I don’t remember it. I remember accepting it simply as what is done, but no deeper meaning.
I was young, and for years, I felt no issues with this. I don’t know why God brought this topic to my mind a few months ago, but it kept coming up. And after several months of prayers, talks with other mentors and believers, I believe God wanted me to take this step now – now that I understand so much more, now that I can be sure this is MY decision.
I want to fully partake in this beautiful picture of what Jesus did for me, not just vaguely remember it happening to me as a child.
I think God also wanted me to come to peace about my so-called unglamorous salvation experience, and remind me that it is the work of the Savior, not the saved person, that is the focus.
So why I am I so anxious, Lord? Why today?
Sometimes I start my day and slowly figure out that anxiety is creeping up, and sometimes, I can feel it as soon as I open my eyes. This was one of those days. I felt so dismayed that such a joyful day would be dampened with trying to swallow anxiety down.
There were 2 little girls being baptized before me that day. In the coves of the baptistry, I leaned my head against the wall and listened to the testimonial video that my talented husband put together. Regardless of my messed up feelings, what I’m doing is obedience. Obedience is never wrong, I prayed.
My turn to step into the baptistry comes. The water is warm, thankfully. The white robe swirls pleasantly around my legs and feet as I step toward David’s outstretched hand.
Buried in the likeness of His death, and raised in the likeness of His resurrection.
The tears mix with the water on my face. Emotions mix too, one part pure joy and one part relief that it was over.
The day went on in alternating moments of joy and bizarre moments of silent panic. I woke up at 3 am alarmed. But God in his gentleness met me in the still of the night as I prayed and tried to sort through what had caused the upheaval in my soul.
I kept fighting the feeling that I had done something wrong – I had said the wrong words on the testimonial video, I had failed to tell people of this day far enough in advance, I had failed to tell the right people at all! I had not written about my experience at all. What kind of a writer are you?
So that was it. I felt like I was doing this wrong. I prayed a prayer modeled after one I’d heard from a friend recently – Now that I know what the lie is, I can battle it with the Truth. Thank you, Father, for revealing the lie. Thank you for your healing Truth.
My choice to be baptized was my choice to be obedient to a loving, grace-filled God. Regardless of my feelings, obedience to God is never wrong.
My choice to be baptized is a picture of the more important event – that God saved me from spiritual death and eternal separation from Him.
My choice to be baptized is a proclamation that I believe in this Great God and what He did for me.
That is the truth.
I am God’s child because years ago, He reached out for a hopeless girl and adopted me. He didn’t reach out to me because I was fixed up and shiny. My baptism was its own picture of that. The person who went under the water day is not a perfect woman, a perfect mom, a perfect wife. In fact, I’m a trainwreck of a person, saved only by the grace of a good, good God. I’ve been walking with God for a long time, but don’t get me wrong. I still need Jesus. More and more, I need Jesus.
I don’t know all the reasons why God has chosen to place anxiety in my life. And I still wish it didn’t decide to show up on such a joyous day. But I’ve walked with God long enough to know that His way is best, even if I don’t understand, and that His purposes for good are woven through even the hardest things. He has used my anxiety experiences before to help others. I hope this one more way.
John 9 tells of a blind man healed by Jesus. The disciples asked who’s fault it was that he was born this way, why did this happen? I’ve asked these questions, too. Jesus had an answer, but it was a hard answer. “ ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ Jesus answered. ‘This came about so that God’s works might be displayed in him.’ “
That’s me, too. This is my story, too. God in his wisdom has attached this to my life, to my testimony. Sometimes He allows me glimpses of His plan to show His work. Someday I will fully understand. But for today, I rest and trust because I obeyed, and because He is so overflowing with grace that is always enough.