A Facebook post tells me that the speed of an incoming brain impulse is 250 mph. Yeah, I think. Probably more when angry. Just try stopping one of those in my child with Autism and ADHD.
Lack of emotional regulation combined with lack of impulse control can get really ugly. If you’ve ever snapped at someone in anger, slammed a door, or dropped a swear word, you’ve experienced this.
Neurotypical brains get really good at stopping these kinds of behaviors because of future consequences, even in moments of high emotion. Autistic brains, or other brains with executive functioning deficits have a much a harder time applying the brakes to any situation and the brakes go near non-functional in a heated moment.
Gideon, in the seconds following such a non-braked action, experiences immediate regret and I believe true remorse. He is not just upset that he is getting caught, he truly feels bad that he lost control again. I have carefully watched enough and I do believe he feels like his rash moments are “accidents.” He may even say “I didn’t mean to!” which isn’t a lie to him. He didn’t mean for that action to get out, it happened before he could stop it. Complicated parenting for sure.
We try to give grace when we can. That’s been a very hard balancing act. Who knows how often I actually get it right.
But sometimes, giving grace in those instances would not be helpful to him. It would not be a teaching moment. In real life situations, if you punch a wall, you can harm your hand, harm the wall, have to pay for the wall, and possibly get in trouble for destroying property or acting violently.
Thankfully we have had minimal destroyed property. But he’s a growing boy, with big hands and big feet who also happens to be taking mixed martial classes. It won’t be too much longer before he’s taller and stronger than me. There are some instances when we simply CANNOT look the other way.
Gideon has complained to me sometimes that it doesn’t seem fair to be punished for something that he didn’t mean to do. Apparently, all my lectures about lost homework yielding bad grades or speed limits in unfamiliar areas have not made an impact. But it’s not just our parenting rules. Or even just the laws of our city or our country. God had these rules set up as well. Even if you sin unintentionally, there are consequences.
“Or if someone swears rashly to do what is good or evil — concerning anything a person may speak rashly in an oath — without being aware of it, but later recognizes it, he incurs guilt in such an instance.” Leviticus 5:4 HCSB
Thankfully, even in ancient times, God set up a way to make it right (read on to see how for this particular situation). That’s what Leviticus is all about, how to live peacefully with each other and with God, and how to make atonement or restitution when you don’t. God’s grace-giving nature is evident, even through the Law.
Today, believers are not under sacrificial law – Thank you, Jesus, literally! Jesus permanently fixed our screw-ups – both intentional and unintentional. And as his children, we are now permanently in His abundant grace. But, like any good parent, he does not want us to continue doing the same wrong things. Gideon throwing a book or shoving a sibling is relatively harmless, now. But in 3 years? 5 years? What will these small things escalate to, if left unchecked? There will be much scarier consequences, both for others and for himself.
I don’t pretend to know the perfect ratio of grace vs. consequence in parenting. We can only do our best, day by day, prayer by prayer. My parenting choices are full of regrets and cringeworthy moments. But I’m so thankful that Gideon has the Holy Spirit with him. Because He WILL help, better than I or his daddy ever can. A believer’s mental maturing is one way God sanctifies us. I have to have faith that as I faithfully do my best as his Jesus-loving mama, God will continue to improve all of Gideon’s executive functioning skills, including impulse control. After all, God promises to work all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes. Perhaps some future impulsive action of Gideon’s will bring great honor to God. =)